“Yea, But Hillary…”

I haven’t had cable all week, so I’ve had to imagine the cable-news debate on this week’s stories in my head instead of actually seeing it. I think I know the natural talking points well enough, by this point, that I’m “off book,” and don’t even need to watch.

Take this Alan Keyes story, for instance. The former ambassador and two-time presidential loser who briefly hosted a talk show on MSNBC is the Illinois Republicans’ latest choice to run for the U.S. Senate against new Democratic superstar Barack Obama. This, even though Keyes has never lived in Illinois at any point in his life, and would be moving there three months before election day just to run for office.

Now, my imagined conversation between two party flaks/hacks, on some unnamed talk show last night that I didn’t see but I’m sure took place:

DNC Flak/Hack: I am outraged! How can Alan Keyes run for the Senate in a state where he’s never even lived? This is just a cheap political ploy by the Republicans, which is so typical, considering Florida 2000, the California recall and…

RNC Flak/Hack: I am outraged by your outrage! It is amazing to me that the Democrats can complain about Alan Keyes running for the Senate, when your hero, Hillary Clinton, moved to New York just to run for the Senate herself! It is so typical of Democrats to be hypocritics, especially coming from the party of Al Gore, who tried to steal the election…

Alan Colmes: [Silent]

DNC Flak/Hack: I am outraged by your outrage at my outrage! You complained about Hillary in 2000, but now you’re just find with Keyes! You’re the hypocrite! And besides, Hillary Clinton moved to New York a year and a half before election day, not three months. And she also won a primary. And she was her party’s first choice, not their fifth or sixth- they didn’t just turn to her as the alternative to a guy who goes to sex clubs, or to a retired football coach who shills for erectile-dysfunction drugs…

RNC Flak/Hack: You’re just a racist- you don’t like Alan Keyes ‘cause he’s black. Just like all Democrats- don’t forget, Al Gore’s father voted against the Civil Rights Act…

DNC Flak/Hack: You’re a liar! Just like Bush!

You get the idea. As for Keyes, I’m less offended by his chutzpah in running for the Senate than I am by his nasty habit of mentioning the “radical homosexual agenda” in every one of his speeches. At any rate, he doesn’t stand a chance against the Obama juggernaut.

Of course, that’s just my second-biggest pet peeve about this whole thing. The biggest? That just about every single news story has mentioned that Obama and Keyes are “two articulate black men." As Jeremy said, "Because, you know, most black men sound like Chewbacca."

Posted by Stephen Silver at August 6, 2004 04:47 PM