December 28, 2004

The 2004 SteveSilver.net Achievement Awards

Man of the Year: Pat Tillman, for bravely sacrificing his NFL career, to serve and die as a hero in Afghanistan.

Sportsman of the Year: Sports Illustrated got it right: The Boston Red Sox.

Entertainer of the Year: Entertainment Weekly got it right: Jon Stewart.

Eckstein Award Winner (for cool gentiles with Jewish-sounding names): David Greene, University of Georgia quarterback, who led the Bulldogs to a 9-2 season in a tough SEC, thus becoming the winningest quarterback in Division I-A history. Greene is not a Jew, though he does share both a name and position with Brendan Fraser’s character in “School Ties.”

Burn Your Siddur Award Winner (for embarrassing statements/actions by Jewish clergy):

“Call it socialistic, but I think that the notion of 'from each according to his ability, to each according to his need' has worked very well for Jewish communities throughout the years."
–the president of a Westchester County (N.Y.) synagogue, giving a revisionist view of Jewish/Marxist history, in his Yom Kippur fundraising speech.

Chutzpah Award Winner: Rick Salomon, the co-star of the Paris Hilton Sex Tape, sues Hilton’s parents for slander, after they accuse him of seeking to profit from a commercial release of the tape. Then, after the suit is settled, Salomon releases a commercial version of the tape, called “One Night in Paris.”

Tabloid Front Page of the Year:

Headline of the Year: "Mob Boss 'Louie Bagel' Schmeared For Life" (New York Post, 1/24)

Runners-up:

"Man Found Naked in Chimney Admits to Attempted Break-in." (Star Tribune, 2/3)

All of Jersey is Toxic” (New York Post, 4/16)

Quote of the Year:

"If Tiger Woods called a press conference and then (a.) retired from golf, (b.) said he was gay, (c.) made several casual anti-Semitic remarks, (d.) punched a female golf reporter in the face, and then (e.) refused to comment on any of these issues (to anyone) ever again ... that would be pretty shocking."
–Chuck Klosterman, from his chat on ESPN.com with Bill Simmons, on 8/17.

Film Critic Quote of the Year:

“Lars [Ulrich] deserves bonus points for being shorter than his wife, and his remark that the band's 'in a bit of a shit sandwich' wins the most-blatant–Spinal Tap–reference award. But he's not nearly as lovable as his ancient Danish dad, Torben—a bucktoothed, troll-bearded ex-Wimbledon third-rounder, jazz muso, painter, poet, filmmaker, and arts journalist who looks exactly like the wizard-of-the-rings mountain man inside Led Zep's Zoso gatefold. He's also the only person brave enough to tell Metallica their music sucks.”
Chuck Eddy, reviewing “Metallica: Some Kind of Monster,” in the Village Voice.

Music Critic Quote of the Year:

“Nick Hornby is full of shit. Actually, this is unfair to shit. At least life grows from shit. In his recent half-page essay printed on the Op-Ed page of The New York Times, the lad-lit author stunned the music world with this revelation: They don't make 'em like they used to! In Hornby's sad, blinkered, midlife-crisis-as-a-lifestyle-choice world, music is only worth listening to if it reminds him of all the classic rock that made him feel funny in the tum-tum when he was 10.”
Scott Steward, the Village Voice

TV Critic Quote of the Year:

”Nicole and Jason are allegedly ex-lovers, but have such a dearth of chemistry that I dread their inevitable hookup, which will likely have the heat of naked Barbie and Ken dolls being smushed together by a bored toddler.
-Gillian Flynn, reviewing “North Shore” in Entertainment Weekly

Book Critic Quote of the Year:

"There's an envy to Tom Wolfe's usual run of detractors, of course, but something more than envy--a resentment, an ache, a fury: If I could write like that, a small cat snarls inside each of their heads, I'd . . . I'd change things in this rabid, racist, right-wing world. I'd zola the rich bastards until they burbled for mercy. I'd dickens the corporate polluters until they drowned themselves in their own sick sludge. I'd thackeray, I'd balzac, I'd dostoyevsky everyone who doesn't get it--it, IT, the ineffable IT of political conscience, the mystical rightness that lets a Princeton professor be a revolutionary and, well, a Princeton professor at the same time. God--or Charles Darwin, maybe, or some freak of perverse genetics--put a sword in Tom Wolfe's hands, and the oblivious creep won't use it to smite the ungodly. The man doesn't deserve his sentences. Prose belongs to us, by divine right and right of conquest. And here comes this white-suited fake dandy, this reporter, to set up camp right in the middle of it, like John Ashcroft--or Gary Bauer or, I don't know, Elmer Gantry--buying the prettiest summer house on Martha's Vineyard."
-Joseph Buttom, reviewing “I Am Charlotte Simmons” in the Weekly Standard.

Theater Critic Quote of the Year:

“You'd be hard-pressed to find a show as tacky and ineptly put together as 'The Boy From Oz,' although Frank Wildhorn's "Dracula" is a worthy successor… The audience, to be sure, was not diverse. Women, specifically middle-aged women from the suburbs, fell hard for Jackman. At times, the atmosphere in the Imperial Theatre resembled a bachelorette party for someone about to get married for the second time.”
Michael Reidel, in the New York Post.

Blog Critic Quote of the Year: "Reading this blog is roughly the equivalent of watching a homeless guy trying to negotiate 11 layers of dirty clothing in order to masturbate,” –Norbizness, reviewing the late, lamented Bloviating Inanities.

Photo of the Year (Via LilB):

Sports Logo of the Year (Via Jim Caple):

Posted by Stephen Silver at December 28, 2004 09:40 PM
Comments

wow, photo of the year, i'm honored. i also thoroughly enjoy the sports team logo of the year.

Posted by: LilB at December 28, 2004 10:20 PM

Once again my theory on blogs shine through...also I find it funny how you picked people from the Village Voice when you said you like the New York Press better and said you weren't gonna read the Village Voice anymore...I hope your shamefuls are better than this:P

Posted by: A at December 28, 2004 11:56 PM

Fuck that shit, I wanna be Entertainer and Hermaphrodite of the Year as well. And get me some spicy mustard!

Posted by: norbizness at December 29, 2004 01:52 AM
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