May 11, 2005

And in Vikings Arrest News…

The week the Vikings’ jettisoned bad actor Randy Moss appears on the cover of SI (let’s go jinx!) comes news that running back and two-time NFL substance-abuse offender Onterrio Smith has been arrested at the Minneapolis airport for carrying a kit used for evasion of drug tests.

What was in the kit? Why, it was the Whizzinator. And not just any Whizzinator- it was the ORIGINAL Whizzinator- a state-of-the-art drug test-evasion contraption which consists of a prosthetic penis, through which artificial urine is pumped. The Piss Man's here, and he's not buying it.

The Whizzinator was in the news a couple months back when actor Tom Sizemore was caught using one. Here’s what it looks like- link NOT work safe, and also not exactly the sort of thing you want to get caught having in your travel bag. I think my favorite part is that they have different Whizzinators available for different races.

If Smith isn’t suspended for the year, I can only imagine the chants he’ll be hearing in opposing stadiums (“Whizzin/ator/”clap!clap!clapclapclap!). And you thought Michael “Ron Mexico” Vick was gonna have it bad.

And finally, speaking of drug test evasion technology, my fantasy baseball team, the Masking Agents, is currently in third place in our 19-team league.

Posted by Stephen Silver at May 11, 2005 06:15 PM

Quick, go to the NFL store and get Viking Jerseys with Smith's number and "Whizzenator" for the name, before they catch on.

Posted by: Gib at May 12, 2005 08:59 AM

Never thought I would see, "Yes, We sell dehydrated urine separately" as a sales banner. I might buy the black model just to whip it out on my wife, you know, to spice things up a bit.

Posted by: DBrooks at May 12, 2005 01:16 PM

OMG, that is hillarious.

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at May 12, 2005 02:11 PM

so will the vikings finally have their chance at the ewing theory?

Posted by: LilB at May 12, 2005 03:41 PM

also, will randy disrespect jerry rice and wear #80 for the raiders?

Posted by: LilB at May 12, 2005 03:46 PM

As a Packer fan, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. We've got our own running back problems (wife beater and closet dumper).

I can't wait for chess season to start.


Posted by: AbbaGav at May 12, 2005 04:50 PM

Best sign at Vikes openning game - "No body bears the Whizz"

Posted by: Dave at May 19, 2005 12:41 AM
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