December 30, 2005

The 40 Most Shameful Events of 2005 (in no particular order):

-The head of the Philadelphia NAACP, J. Whyatt Mondesire, turns a blind eye to crime, poverty, and other local problems within his purview in order to publish a hateful attack on Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb

-Focus on the Family blowhard James Dobson alleges that the childrens’ cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants is a puppet of the “homosexual agenda,” and his spokesman later accuses the sponge of “manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids."

-One of the craziest people in the Democratic Party, Howard Dean, is for some reason elected its chairman.

-Four words: “Pat O’Brien sex scandal.”

-The New York alt-weekly New York Press publishes a “humor” piece titled “52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope.” But the paper redeems itself, first with a staff purge and then by hiring yours truly to write a football column.

-University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill refers to those killed in the World Trade Center as “Little Eichmanns”; Churchill is subsequently the subject of around 574 different Fox News segments, all of which attempt to paint him as a major figure in American liberalism, even though most people have never heard of him.

-Congress sets aside more urgent business for frivolous purposes, first to “save” Terri Schiavo, and then to spend 12 hours discussing steroids in baseball. And worst of all, the steroid scandal results in Jose Canseco returning to public life.

-Paris Hilton, even worse, remains in public life.

-At those steroid hearings, Rafael Palmeiro points his finger at the committee and states that “I have never used steroids”; a few months later he tests positive, putting both his career and Hall of Fame chances in doubt.

-A 13-year-old blogger is called a “little shit,” –and threatened with lawsuits- by another blogger after he accidentally copies a photograph from another blog.

-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith, for reasons known to absolutely no one, gets his own show on a major cable network. As does MSNBC’s Rita Cosby, for even more mysterious reasons.

-On top of countless embarrassment caused by its role in the Plame/Libby/Miller affair, the New York Times voluntarily makes its own op-ed page irrelevant, by instituting the pay-per-view “TimesSelect” system.

-Lindsay Lohan goes from one of the most beautiful young women in Hollywood to an emaciated, skeleton-like shell of her former self. As does Teri Hatcher. But on the bright side, no one is any longer asking if either actress’ breasts are real.

-A man in Washington State dies after the horse he was having sex with falls on him.

-Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is sued by a woman who accuses him of giving her herpes, and alleges that he registered at an STD clinic as “Ron Mexico.” Luckily for Vick, his subpar play makes everyone forget this by the end of the year.

-While you’d think running off with Katie Holmes would make an over-40 actor look good, most people end the year with the impression that Tom Cruise has gone insane. The lesson, as always: never hire your sister as your publicist.

-New Jersey gubernatorial candidate Doug Forrester uses damning quotes from opponent Jon Corzine’s former wife in a campaign ad which, somehow, doesn’t work; Forrester loses. But that’s nothing compared to…

-New York mayoral candidate Freddy Ferrer produces an ad featuring animated likenesses of Mayor Bloomberg and President Bush riding a horse together, in which the mayor appears to be masturbating the president. Ferrer loses in a landslide and even worse, the ad misses the “Brokeback Mountain” craze by just a month or so.

-Eliminating any remaining doubt that he is an anti-Semite, Pat Buchanan writes a column questioning whether America was right to fight World War II- neglecting to mention the words “Jews,” “Holocaust,” “concentration camps,” or “genocide.” Buchanan, for some reason, remains employed by MSNBC as a commentator.

-The Pat Buchanan of baseball, John Rocker, makes an ill-fated comeback attempt with the Long Island Ducks, and distinguishes himself primarily with an interview where he says he has suffered more than any player in baseball history, including Jackie Robinson and Hank Aaron.

-Maureen Dowd writes a bestselling book called “Are Men Necessary,” the point of which seems elusive to both everyone who reviews the book and everyone who buys it. But thankfully, a sizable MoDo backlash begins to emerge.

-In shameful Red Sox-related events, they’re swept in the first round of the playoffs, general manager Theo Epstein resigns, Manny Ramirez refuses to return to the team, Johnny Damon defects to the Yankees, and their dispute with Doug Mientkiewicz over the 2004 World Series ball continues.

-In addition to continuing to crush Russia’s nascent hopes for democracy, Vladimir Putin steals Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl ring for good measure.

-Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers attacks several cameramen before a game, as cameras continue to film him attacking other cameras.

-ESPN’s SportsCenter continues to slide into irrelevance- among other offenses, they broadcast “simulated press conferences,” featuring Steve Phillips pretending to be a general manager, and real reporters pretending to be fake reporters.

-The St. Paul Winter Carnival’s “King Vulcan” is arrested on charges that he molested three women while surrounded by fellow Vulcans.

-In an act of hypocrisy unmatched in recent American political history, Michelle Malkin publishes a book called “Unhinged.”

-Newsweek publishes an incorrect story, about American soldiers flushing Korans down a toilet in Guantanamo, that Iranian clerics use to incite riots in their country; the right-wing blogosphere is too busy cackling about the embarrassment to an “MSM” outfit to care that people actually died.

-Dallas Cowboy-turned-ESPN commentator Michael Irvin is arrested on drug charges in Texas, and he uses the “those drugs belonged to some other guy” defense, a bit of nostalgia coming after a year of the “how’d those steroids get in my system?” defense.

-A Missouri finance executive makes worldwide headlines when it’s revealed that he drunkenly spent more than $240,000 at the Manhattan topless club Scores in 2003. American Express sues the man after he refuses to pay the bill.

-A public-school fundraiser in Richmond, Virginia, goes tragically wrong when the rush to purchase $50 laptop computers devolves into a stampede, and later a full-fledged riot.

-President Bush nominates his personal lawyer, Harriet Miers, to the Supreme Court; the outcry from the right and left alike is so pronounced that Miers withdraws less than a month later. Which didn’t have nearly the calamitous effect as…

-Bush’s appointment of Michael Brown, who previously served as head of the International Arabian Horse Association, as director of FEMA, as Brown’s incompetent performance is indicative of the general failure at all levels of government to anticipate, or handle, Hurricane Katrina.

-Bush’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, with survivors at the Houston Astrodome, is quoted as saying that “so many of the people here were underprivileged anyway, so this is working out well for them."

-Texas high school football coach Herc Palmquist is disciplined after he hires a team of college-aged ringers to masquerade as his team in a sanctioned game. Palmquist had told his real players that the game was canceled.

-In other football coaching malfeasance, Minnesota Vikings coach Mike Tice is caught scalping Super Bowl tickets, and despite that and his less-than-stellar coaching skills, he’s not fired. Even after…

-Vikings running back Onterrio Smith is caught at the Minneapolis airport carrying The Original Whizzinator, a penis-like contraption used for drug-test evasion. Smith is suspended for the season, which you’d think would be the most embarrassing off-field moment of the year for the team, if not for…

-The Vikings, during their bye week, take a sex cruise on Minnesota’s Lake Minnetonka, during which numerous debauchery is reported to take place, leading to the indictments of four players and the virtual end of the team’s season. You wouldn’t think anything worse could have happened in the NFL in 2005, except for the tiny little matter of…

-Terrell Owens, the Philadelphia Eagles’ controversial receiver, plays in the Super Bowl, asks immediately afterwards for a renegotiation in year two of his 7-year, $49 million contract; hires borderline-subhuman agent Drew Rosenhaus; rips Donovan McNabb and the coaching staff numerous times; is tossed from training camp; wears a Cowboys jersey home from a game against the Cowboys; throws the entire organization under the bus in an ESPN interview, and finally suspended for the year in November. All along, this stupid, repetitive story all but dominates NFL news, in Philly and nationwide.

-And finally, on the first weekend following Hurricane Katrina, MSNBC is surveying the wreckage until, suddenly, Richard Simmons appears on screen, to discuss his missing relatives in the New Orleans area. But despite the gravity of the situation, Simmons has showed up to the interview in his usual tank top/short shorts uniform. Apparently, he doesn’t own a suit.

Posted by Stephen Silver at December 30, 2005 03:10 PM

A man in Washington State dies after the horse he was having sex with falls on him.
Wasn't that also how Catherine the Great died?
And, if you want to be accurate about it (and believe me I've researched this), the guy died because his rectum was punctured by the horse's cock.

Posted by: LilB at December 30, 2005 03:34 PM

Many shameful things...but one of them was even more shameful than you listed -- remember, the college age kids that Herc Palmquist hired GOT BEAT by the high school kids...Shameful to cheat like that...but even more shameful to cheat so inadequately!!!

Posted by: waynea at January 1, 2006 09:26 PM

Too much to comment on BLOGGER! DIE BLOGGERS DIE!

Posted by: A at January 8, 2006 07:42 AM
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